To my wonderful readers, I would like to officially say that I am back (for real this time). I have failed quite a bit (actually a lot) at my consistent posting schedule and have not written a single word since October. So, for that I apologize to everyone including myself for not maintaining my beautiful platform.
As I have been reflecting on my life lately, I have noticed a gap in how I cope and manage my thoughts and emotions. And that gap lied in the lack of posting and writing I have been doing. As my undergraduate chapter has been coming to a close, my blog is not closing; it is going to follow me through my transition to my Master’s and post-grad studies. My blog is my life journal and I am extremely passionate in writing my thoughts and sharing little bits of my life with all of you.
SO I AM BACK!
As per the title of this week’s post, I am in autopilot. It is in the middle of March Madness and if I am not doing school, I am working. And if I am not working, I am in the library. And if I am not in the library, I am with my friends, soaking up the last little bits of social hour we have together before we part ways.
The closing of a chapter is something that I am in denial of. As we know, I hate change. As much as hate is a strong word, I am not good at transitions and actually find a lot of challenge in understanding that change can be good. But following the month of April, I will be moving to my parent’s house for the summer before embarking on my journey out west for the next chapter of my life.
Undergrad is a beautiful thing. I have learned much about myself, I have met people that will be in my life forever, and I have experienced moments of both growth and loss. Seeing the experience flourish and now being able to look back on this experience is truly something that has shown me how much change can happen without me even noticing it (but I will get into that soon).
Autopilot has been a common theme this year. I feel like a part of my personality has been me running around constantly and just not stopping because I have so much I want to accomplish, which has worked in my favour for a lot of things academically and socially, but it has also run me down and caused a major burnout.
Recently, I have been faced with a lot of internal challenges. Thoughts that exacerbate my anxiety, interactions that had led to rumination and feelings that are not the most comfortable. All of this internally has been circling in a constant motion that has truly sent me into a bit of an emotional spiral. It gets tough with these moments because it is hard to escape; feeling as though a lot of aspects of life are just falling apart. And lately, for me, I feel much more tense and have been having a hard time staying mentally present.
I realize that there are moments where life isn’t going to be perfect. I have been faced with a lot of uncertainty. Uncertainty with school, with people around me and life in general. There have been moments where this uncertainty has led to a depletion in my energy and my confidence. Moments where I had expectations for interactions or experiences that were turned against me to some extent. And a lot of reflection that has led me to believe that these outcomes were based on me.
What gets frustrating is trying to decipher my viewpoint and experience with logical explanations which ultimately just leads me down a rabbit hole of overwhelming and dense anxious thoughts, which is not beneficial at all. I read into things a little too much sometimes which in my defence, sometimes leads to a little bit of ease, but actually majority of the time, I get too lost in my emotion and out of touch from the reality of it.
It gets tough when there is so much going on around me, and trying to navigate that with times of conflict and challenge really gets blurry in how I progress and grow. What I have been re-learning throughout these past few months is how to engage with what I can control and how to let go what I can’t control. I also owe a lot to the amazing support system around me. I truly feel like I have lucked out with the amount of amazing humans who are around me constantly and who truly boost my energy and positive thoughts. For that, I love them to bits.
I am happy to be back. Even writing today has made me felt a weight off my shoulder. Getting to share my life through this platform will always be something I am grateful for.
STAY KIND:)
with love
grace <3