HAPPY SUNDAY:)

It’s been exactly one week since I’ve been back at school.

And I almost forgot how hard it was to get back in the groove. At my university, after all of my fall term exams, I had 3 whole weeks to reset (even though I felt as though I needed just a little bit more time). I feel very excited and happy that I am to be back at school, I also feel the blues during the first week because it’s just another adjustment again.

I am currently taking six classes. I overloaded this semester. And I am not sugarcoating that it won’t be hard. Because I know it will be challenging. But I also want to stay on track with this program. And overloading my schedule is the way that I will probably get there. With work, any social activity and school, there is going to be a lot that I will need to balance this semester.

Lately I’ve been feeling my feelings a lot. I want to have a break where there is nothing to be stressed about. Just for a short period of time. I feel like those only come every once in a while. And let me tell you, for me, it’s every decade or so. I have just been in my head a lot lately, overanalyzing my thoughts, my actions and what not. And I keep thinking to myself how I want to just be living, as a 19 year old. No stress, no worries, just living. It’s not impossible, but given my wonderfully overdrive of a brain, it’s harder to calm the thoughts that go through my head. I wish I didn’t have to overthink everything, but I think that feeds into my people pleasing self, my super-helper self (read that in another mental health blog).

I consider the way my brain works like a habit. You get into the groove, things become automatic, and what do we know about habits? They are hard to break. If we focus too much on breaking the habit, sometimes it backfires. Just like are thoughts, when we think about wanting to get rid of them, and we focus really hard on changing them, they actually invade and consume our thoughts even more. When we feed into it, thinking we are changing ourselves and our mindset, we are actually making these habits harder. That’s why I had to focus my attention on other strategies to break these habits. I can’t only think that I can get rid of them if I focus really hard, because it’s almost an art of subtle distraction from this attention that will help me break the habit. These moments, which are full of thought, take up time in our lives. It’s not easy to break unless we are able to fill these momentary gaps with other activities, other thoughts, other distractions.

So yes, lately I have been wanting to just get rid of my thoughts. Just to live life. But then I forget that these thoughts, are also a part of who I am. And I can’t change myself to have “better” moments or such. Living life is going to be accompanied by my thoughts, myself, and who I am.

This week has been one for the books though. It really has. It’s been up and down, exhausting. But I am still going to push through. Because it will get easier, I will get in the groove, and I am manifesting a semester of fun and enjoyment with my friends, and success in school.

I am leaving that right there. And HOPEFULLY I can look back and check off some boxes when I am reflecting at the end of the semester.

STAY KIND:)

with love

grace <3